Living is Loving...(5-5-2010)

Getting ready for dinner, Robert checked the temperature of the water before entering. Jeff stepped in after him. He rinsed the shampoo out of his hair and began rubbing Rob’s back with the bar of soap.

“Rob, I can’t help but say this, but I feel uncomfortable going to dinner tonight.”

“What’s the Problem?”

“We’re going out to dinner with Nick and his partner.”

“Yeah, so?”

“So? Years ago you use to write letters to this guy. You told me you had kissed him and almost went further. I know it was long ago, but you kept in contact with him since. Even with all the messy drama that has occurred in your life as a result of knowing him. You two have almost dated but somehow things didn’t turn out that way.”

“We’re friends Jeff.”

“You can’t honestly tell me you don’t have feelings for him still.”

“I do have feelings for him.”

“These feelings have ruined some of your previous relationships because you haven’t let him go. How can I trust that this isn’t going to occur again, and that I am just a fool in the midst’s of unresolved emotions?”

“I am afraid you are misunderstanding me. Jeff, I am in a relationship with you now.”

“Dam straight you are, and I don’t want you to forget it. I have been nothing but faithful to you.”

Robert interrupted, “And I honor you for that, but I need you to understand me. The reason I left my previous partners over this is because they didn’t take the opportunity to understand me. I am giving you a chance right now.”

“What am I suppose to understand? You’ve admitted to me that you have feelings for another guy. How do you expect me to act? It’s like you’re telling me you’d like to be with someone else.”

“I am not asking your permission to have an affair with someone whom I am attracted to. These feelings are also more complicated than a mere physical attraction, but also the complexity of sharing moments with this person, talking to them, doing activities together. There is a history that I can’t just tell my mind to forget about it. I am asking for you to understand me and my desire to care for others. I can’t possibly give you one hundred percent of my affection, rejecting everyone else that has ever come before you. I am explaining to you that yes, there are indeed feelings left over in me for someone that I was never with romantically, but there are also feelings left over that are trying to salvage a failed romance into a friendship. They are complicated, but I am not asking if I can act upon my sexual desires for my own benefit.”

“If you keep doing this, meeting with people whom you have feelings for, I am afraid that you will go astray, loving others while you piss on the so-called committed relationship you have right now.”

“How can I love you in this commitment if I don’t honestly acknowledge the true feelings that are indeed inside of me? How can I embrace you now if I ignore the history that made it?”

“How am I to sit here comfortably knowing that your thoughts may be of another man?”

“What more of a guarantee do you want Jeff? I promised you a monogamous relationship. I am acknowledging that we are together, what about my actions of coming home every night to our bed; me in your arms?”

“I want to know for certain that the space that exist between your arms is the place for me to reside.”

Robert embraced Jeff. They stood under the running water in silence with the glow of the afternoon sun hitting the shower curtain wrapped their naked bodies.

“Jeff, when a couple gets involved with each other, what are they supposed to be doing?”

“I don’t understand.”

“We’re together. So now what? What do we do?”

“We do what couples are suppose to do.”

“Which is what exactly?”

“Isn’t it obvious? They’re suppose to be loving each other.”

“LIVE Jeff Live! They’re suppose to live together, with each other. Living IS LOVING, Jeff! LIVE, and I don’t mean just with each other.”

“Well, what do you mean then?”

“They’re suppose to help each other out through each other’s shit. They deal with it all the way companions do for one another. Yeah there’s the sex, and all that good stuff. You talk about being with you, right now. Where the hell do you think I am now Jeff? I am right here, sharing with you my feelings for another man, telling you I am still committed to you. I am letting you know this, see this, see me! I am filling you in Jeff. Where are you? In all of this your mind is more distracted by the fact I have feelings for Nick rather than why I’m even sharing this with all with you. I stand before you, telling you the honest truth. Let me translate this for you. I love you, and I tell you all of this because I love you. Right now, I am with you. I am committed to our relationship. There is space in my heart for other people, but this does not decrease the value of our commitment. If anything, this deepens us to honesty as we share our insides. Ideally, instead of you seeing me as a confused, unfocused lover giving his heart away to outside parties, I would rather that you see me as a person able to cherish his real feelings while still honoring and respecting his commitments.”

“What do you wish to receive out of going to dinner with Nick?”

“I wish to see a friend. I would hope the experience provides for me further closure upon my romantic feelings while strengthening our friendship. We will practice sitting with each other, doing nothing else but just being together. The way I see it, this gives me the chance to love him appropriately because we are livening. I am living with him as a friend, while living with you as a partner. In this way I am loving you both.