Letters to God

I was cleaning my room and found a little notebook that I had used to write some letters to God. It was at a time where I was experiencing little attention from the family, going through puberty, and realizing how I different I was compared to everyone else. There was so much I didn't understand at this time, but was at the very least able to see I needed help. I knew there was something better than what I was experiencing. These letters were my cry of the time. Things have changed greatly, but I think that the letters can explain things about me, revealing sides of myself I didn't know existed until now:

5/7/01
Dear God,
I decided to keep a journal because I find myself becoming mentally insane. I prayed for your strength to help me. I ask for your help. I think I need to see a psychologist. I’ve thought about it before but today I’m sure. I can’t stand this family. I try so hard to keep straight and not loose hope in them, but it just doesn’t work. If one day I do see a shrink I would show you to them. I need their help.
It all started with my neighbor Alex. He had a report for school due today which he laid off till the last minute. I helped him get a really good start. I did as much as I could for him as possible. He had a sub today so he had extra time to work on it. I couldn’t come up to help him but I told him to just do it and later I’d type it for him.
Well, he didn’t do it at all and at 9:15 he calls me and asks for my help. It was just too late, and it was his fault, so I turned him down. He hung up on me. My sister gets mad because I wouldn’t help him and that’s what she tells my parents not letting me explain. So when I finally get the chance they won’t listen.
My dad told me to shut up. I left him for that. My mom is mad because I won’t help him when Alex’s dad is sponsoring Marlo in like $300 for baseball and I won’t help him. I told her I don’t have the time at 9:00 and I gave him all afternoon and then I get told to shut up?
So then my dad comes in yelling at me for talking back, grabbing my neck and pushing me, and telling me to go to my room. My mom called him up and did the rest with him till 10:15 at night. I just went insane. When my dad hit me I didn’t get mad and immediately forgave him praying for your strength God. Help me get through this abuse. Get me the help I need. Help me get through this. Give me your strength. Amen.

On Thursday the 3rd we had off from school and after I took my shower I looked in your eyes and cried. I was so confused. I prayed for your strength. I did a tarot reading and it told me I work too hard on myself and I try to thing things through and become too confused. It said to just let go and trust in the universe. The next day as hard as it was I let go wand was free. I was very happy and self-satisfied. I don’t know what happened. It led me back to here.

5/8/01
Dear God,
I just tried to explain to my mom what happened yesterday with Alex and show her how I was going nuts. She listened but she felt as if I didn’t do things right and I was overreacting, and I would of done things differently. If I would of done things differently he would of gotten a lower grade than his 50%. I just couldn’t help him. For the crap I handled yesterday and the stuff he pulled off wasn’t right. He doesn’t want help he wants me to come and look up the answers so he won’t have to do it. Now he wants my help to do his corrections and his homework. I wasn’t sure about going to a psychologist today, I was nervous. As I talk more to my family I realize more and more why I should go. I’m scared that I won’t get what I want from it. I don’t want family counseling I just want out. I also typed my paper this morning for English because everyone was using the computer last night. I know they needed it and when I had the chance yesterday to use the computer I was writing the report. So when I’m typing it I get yelled at for doing my homework in the morning. I could of done it in study hall and it wouldn’t of made a difference. Okay so at supper- the conversation came up and my dad asked why I couldn’t help him. I explained it to him saying it was too late and then I got yelled at for it. He said, “By who?” I told him, “You and Mom.” He said, “I didn’t yell at you for helping him I yelled at you for refusing to…” then he realized what I said was right and he said, “I yelled at you fro talking back.” I only talked back in the first place because I did most of his work and when I tried to explain it before I got told to shut up. I told my mom I don’t appreciate being told that after I did all that work.
Then my mom and I got talking about what would help Alex get straight. I told her there isn’t much we could do because his parents are never home and they are busy they can’t help him, and what he needs is counseling or therapy. My sister buts in, “Who?” I’m like, ‘we are talking here mind your own conversation.’ She then asked again, “Who?” I told her we’re talking. My dad is like, “don’t but in,” to Marlo. Then he asks what I said. “Nothing,” then mom tells him, “Psychologists.” Dad asks, “For who?” I said, “Not a shrink a consoler.” He just butted in after he told my sister not to. My mom didn’t tell him for whom though. My sister asked why I was so grumpy. I said, “What does it matter to you?” She said, “I’m not even going to talk anymore.” Dad repeated, “Me too.” Then mom joined in, “Me either.” They all act like little snobs. I felt like screaming ‘Shut Up!” They act so stupid. They’re so noisy and they don’t’ even care at all. I think I’ll see that psychologist tomorrow.
Later Alex came over and did more of his failing report. He got my mom to do some by acting stupid. I don’t think he is going to make it far in his life at all.